hurt people hurt

OK - so this is a loooooooooooooooong read but well worth the effort.

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I've put a lot into this so I feel confident to assert the following:

This blog post will be the BEST thing you read all week - or your money back!

We live in a time when polarisation is increasing & compassion is sometimes lacking. Both the left & the right of the political divide seem to have each gravitated to the extremes of political ideologies & discourse, each trying to lure the ‘Overton window’ to their camp. As a news addict it is easy for me to despair at the world, feel overwhelmed, retreat & disconnect.

In simplistic terms it could be argued that the left-wing espouses key ideas such as: promoting equality; social justice; the well-being of the masses (including government support) & to protecting human rights & the environment.

Common right-wing beliefs might include: being committed to promoting individual freedom; limited government; a market-orientated economy; protecting traditional values & the nation.

Critics of the left sometimes argue that they have ‘weaponised liberal values’. The left’s winning card being censoring & ‘cancelling’ anyone whose ideas they don’t like – usually ideas that might be described as right-wing or conservative. Using the stance of ‘victimhood’ it is more & more common today to hear people talk about ‘being triggered’, of ‘made to feel’… anxiety, fear, whatever (insert any emotion here) & create the sense that the aggrieved party or the ‘oppressed’ are so marginalised & discriminated against & vulnerable that any challenging or controversial topic must be avoided at ALL times.

For some, even attempting to discuss issues such as ‘women only spaces’ represents prejudice even before the person has been allowed to air their views. Jokes about pretty much anything now risk the repost that the humour represents hate speech or racism or homophobia, ad infinitum. Unemployed white men, for example, raised in poverty with little prospect of getting a decent job, feel rage every time a left-leaning liberal reminds them of their ‘white privilege’. The ‘woke’ claim ‘special snowflake’ status, often on behalf of other people that didn’t ask for it & must never be made to feel uncomfortable, ever.

The right, in return, are sometimes criticised for having become ever more angry, paranoid, selfish & cruel. It is not for nothing that some refer to the Conservative party in the UK as the ‘nasty party’. It’s worth remembering that no-one has the monopoly on being unkind. Conspiracy theories, the wilder the better, reign supreme & confusion & mistrust are the currency of this ‘post-truth’ period. Vitriolic abuse, often starting online but soon manifesting offline, increases human suffering & even incites murders & terrorism in the name of some extreme ideology. References are made to the ‘global elite’ & anti-semitism is often not far from the surface. Q-Anon - once the domain of the far-right (& the ‘unwell’?), originating in the darker corners of the internet, given fuel under Trump’s presidency, has become a talking point even amongst the more moderate right-wing.

I don’t consider myself to have a political tribe though this is probably a silly statement? Most of my life I considered myself left-wing but as I’ve got older I have found myself more willing to consider right-wing arguments too. Some say: you are born liberal, become labour but die conservative. I think all sides have some interesting things to say about the world. I try my best, with limited success, not to join groups or to be anti- anything. My focus is to try & be pro-human - to show compassion & a genuine curiosity to all - whatever their views. Though does this open-minded stance mean I’m a liberal? My motivations are as selfish as they are altruistic. My theory is that the best way to create a world in which I want to live in, is to help reduce human suffering, including my own - hence this blog & me founding & running buddi bench™.

I generally try & avoid giving advice but if pushed to, I highly recommend identifying the issues in your life that create most ‘heat’ for you & really being curious about those that virulently disagree with you on these topics. Spend some time trying to ‘walk in their shoes’, no matter how disagreeable & repulsive you find them or their ideas.

I make a point of spending at least one day a week reading, listening to & watching content that ordinarily I would never entertain. Actively seeking out material that offends or upsets my sensibilities. Absorbing ideas that in honesty I find shocking & distressing that generally I would have dismissed & disengaged with within seconds.

Why do I seek out information that makes me uncomfortable? Partly out of a sort of voyeuristic curiosity but primarily because I’ve decided that I want to try & authentically listen to & understand those people I would usually have nothing to do with. To see the human beneath the behaviour or the ideology. It is simply too easy (if not lazy?) to reiterate the well-worn arguments my ‘gang’ trots out on all the key topics as per their left or right wing proclivity.

The left despise & hate the right, while the right despise & hate the left. Each forgetting or dismissing (or not caring?), that the other pole contain groups of genuinely concerned & often suffering, sentient beings capable of great harms but also great acts of love. Most people on the left & the right, want ‘better & happier’ lives - it's just we tend to disagree about how to achieve this. ‘They’ told us we could have it all, they just didn’t tell us how.

The current state of democracy in the UK results in us having the freedom to know we’re in a cage but not quite the freedom to leave it. So we look to those around us, particularly those we disagree with & project our frustrations & anger onto them.

I strongly support everyone’s right to participate in robust debates - yep, I guess this is more evidence I’m a privileged liberal? But it seems that people no longer seem content to ‘win’ an argument. They want to eviscerate their opponent - to destroy them completely, guts & all. Not to see ‘the grain of truth’ in an opposing point of view but to focus on their flaws & shortcomings & leave any observers with the impression that the rival idea or person has no real value or substance at all.

The current zeitgeist seems akin to one of a gladiatorial spectator sport popularised by the Romans. Someone in the media, for example - is perceived by others to have transgressed in some way. The offender is duly persecuted & punished for their ‘outrageous opinion’ - often via Twitter. Meekly the ‘guilty’ party apologise & appeal for our compassion. Rather than mercy they are met by us giving them the ‘thumbs down’ & so they are slain for our entertainment. They are metaphorically or in the real world, ’cancelled’. There is a reason that the extremely popular Netflix serial ‘Squid Game’ is so relatable. Yet I beseech you this simple truth: the last man standing isn’t necessarily the winner - they’re just the last loser.

Have we forgotten how to challenge a person’s ideas rather than attack the person themselves? To challenge the message not the messenger? Current ‘culture wars’ result in the weaponisation of socio-cultural issues which ferment division. Can we not still love & care for someone (even a stranger) that we disagree with, however passionately? Must we cast-out those that are anti-vax or pro-Brexit or anti-immigrants or whatever, simply because our views are different? Must everyone around us think the same as us & agree with us on key issues? So we live in a bubble within an echo chamber that comfortingly reinforces our world views?

A major reason that I’ve delayed for many years the founding & developing of buddi bench™ (including writing blog posts like this) is due to fear & self-censorship. Engaging in the world today scares me. I’m aware that sooner or later, my ‘adversaries’ - the dreaded critics & trolls - energised by outrage - will come for me. ‘When I am king, you will be first against the wall’ (from the song ‘Paranoid Android’ by Radiohead). Not just disagree with me but want to destroy me. As I create more content & communicate my ideas, online & offline, it is almost inevitable that I will offend someone that will take out of context (or in context!) an idea that will later come back to bite me on the bum. I’m sticking my head above the parapet & it seems only human nature that someone will take a shot or two. Sometimes when I see something beautiful one of my first thoughts is how easy it would be to destroy it. Someone on TV promotes a charity & I immediately wonder what’s in it for them? If I were you, I’d probably come for me too.

Aren’t we allowed to get things wrong anymore? Or to change our minds? I’m realising that I often write not so much to tell you what I think, but to work out what I think by the very act of writing itself, so I can tell myself! I’m also aware that my views change, sometimes within the same day. As the Verve so eloquently puts it in their song ‘Bittersweet Symphony’: ‘I’m a million different people from one day to the next. I can change, I can change.’ I’m realising that the real challenge in writing blog posts like this, is less about the writing & more about the editing. Who knows what offensive ideas I may have spewed onto this word processor only to have saved my soul from eternal hell-fire via judicious use of the delete button? In such ‘hostile environments’ do we now ALL try & edit as we go along for fear of being wrong, attacked or susceptible to changing our mind later on?

So what is going on? Why all this rage & turmoil?

Quite simply:

hurt people hurt

Hurt people often hurt others because they have been wounded in some way & are unable to process their emotions & pain in a healthy manner. (How could I have ever doubted my liberal take on the world?!) This can lead them to lash out at others, even those who have not directly caused them harm. Substantial numbers of hurt people exist in all political persuasions, especially at the extremes. Show me an activist that attacks the opposition with vitriol & I’ll show you someone that is hurting.

The roots of this behaviour (like so many behaviours) can often be traced back to childhood experiences. When a child experiences harm, they may not have the support or resources necessary to cope with the aftermath. Over time, these unresolved feelings can accumulate & lead to toxic behaviours.

Arguably, many of us are effectively ‘walking wounded’. I include myself in this category. Many folk do not have happy childhoods. I’m very suspicious of people that claim to have had an ideal time as a little one - the words ‘denial’ & ‘repression’ float to the surface of my psyche. Children that have been hurt, often grow-up to be adults that hurt others. The abused can sometimes become the abusers. Trauma, both ‘capital T’ traumas such as abuse & neglect & ‘small t’ traumas including poverty, marginalisation & discrimination are, I would suggest, essential to consider when trying to understand why humans can be so intolerant of each other & are capable of such cruelty.

I’m hurting so I want you to hurt too.

Copy, paste, repeat - a doom loop.

A useful way to consider the impact of our early years can be found in a framework called Adverse Childhood Experiences. Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) refer to traumatic events or experiences that occur in childhood. The concept of ACEs was first introduced in the late 1990s & has since become a widely recognised factor in the development of a range of negative outcomes later in life.

Key determinants of ACEs include: physical, sexual &/or emotional abuse; household dysfunction; neglect; parental separation or divorce; incarcerated household member; witnessing violence.

Simply put, often the more ‘ACEs' a person has, the higher the chance of the person being traumatised. If the hurt is not processed in a healthy way it increases the likelihood of passing on the trauma to those around them, including the next generation.

These experiences can have a profound & lasting impact on a child's health & well-being, shaping their development & affecting their physical & mental health for the rest of their lives. Children who experience ACEs are more likely to experience a range of negative life outcomes, including increased risk of chronic disease (mental & physical), substance abuse, as well as a greater likelihood of engaging in risky behaviours. I would add to this list that the more ACEs a person has experienced, the more militant & angrier their approach to important areas such as activism & politics. I’m not trying to take away people’s determination to make changes within society due to adverse experiences - anger is often an appropriate response & plays an important role in improving our lives. But unprocessed hate can close the ears of the very people we need to not just hear us, but to really listen to us.

While the presence of ACEs is a risk factor for many negative life outcomes, it is not inevitable that hurt people will hurt - but such a history certainly increases the risks. Many individuals who have experienced ACEs are able to overcome their effects through resilience & the support of family, friends, or community. Interventions & support can help individuals to mitigate the impact of their ACEs & improve their health & well-being over time. But if you are looking to understand the psychology of those that hurt others (even just via Tweets or words) then being curious about their early experiences in life can be very revealing & illuminating. Though this line of thinking does run the risk of patronising others so it needs to be exercised with care & respect.

I have more than 20 years experience of working with vulnerable adults - both survivors & perpetrators of damaging behaviours. Complimented with extensive training & research, it seems to me there is a strong correlation between someone being hurt in childhood & those who go on to hurt others as an adult. I do not offer this insight to excuse unkind (even criminal) adult behaviour. Of course trauma doesn’t explain all unkind behaviour & extreme ideologies. I’m not trying to suggest that because someone has had a difficult childhood, for example, they don’t have to take responsibility for their actions as an adult. We might not be responsible for our pain but we are responsible for our own healing.

Whole populations can display the results of society-wide trauma. The ‘Irish Question’ (the IRAs bombing campaign in particular) & the heart-breaking events taking place right now between the Palestinians & Israel are evidence of hurt people hurting people, on both sides. Clear evidence of individual trauma causing exponential levels of distress, leading to trauma at the generational level.

In some cases, individuals who have been hurt may adopt a worldview that is characterised by distrust & fear. They may believe that the world is a hostile place & that they must constantly be on guard to protect themselves. This mindset can lead to feelings of anxiety & insecurity, which can cause them to lash out at others. When around people, even good friends & family, I’m often in a state of ‘hyper-vigilance’. I try hard not to project my slightly paranoid way of experiencing the world on to those around me but it’s not easy to get this right.

In other cases, individuals may act out because they feel powerless & helpless. They may have experienced a significant loss, such as the death of a loved one, a break-up, or a major disappointment. These experiences can leave them feeling hopeless & helpless, leading them to act out in an attempt to regain a sense of control.

Hurt people may also engage in harmful behaviour as a way to avoid feeling the pain of their own emotions. Drink, drugs & staying in unhealthy relationships are all things I’ve used to ineffectively deal with my own ACEs. My very own smorgasbord of maladaptive coping strategies. By hurting others, they can distract themselves from their own pain & avoid having to confront their own trauma. This can create a vicious cycle, as the act of hurting others only perpetuates their pain & prevents them from finding healing.

In some cases, individuals who hurt others may not even realise that they are doing so. They may be unaware of the impact that their behaviour is having on others or may believe that they are justified in their actions. This lack of awareness can make it difficult for them to see the harm that they are causing & to make positive changes in their behaviour.

I love the German’s for their ability to create words that don’t have an equivalent in many other cultures but are stunningly useful & poignant. My favourite German word is: schadenfreude - literally translated as ’harm-joy’. It refers to the pleasure derived by someone from another person's misfortune. We live in a time where many of us gleefully engage in orgies of schadenfreude. You need look no further than Twitter for evidence of this claim.

It’s worth considering a few possible reasons why some people (including me!) may experience schadenfreude:

Envy: People who are envious of others' success, wealth, or status may feel a sense of satisfaction when those individuals experience hardship or misfortune. Envy is particularly pernicious if it remains unconscious - more common than most people realise - just ask a therapist!

Comparison/Rivalry: Some people may feel better about their own life or circumstances when they see others who are struggling or suffering. A misguided attempt to avoid the feelings of when we compare & despair.

Perception of justice: When someone perceives that someone else deserves to experience hardship or failure.

Social identity: A way to reinforce their sense of social identity or to distance themselves from those who they view as different or inferior.

Emotional regulation: A means to regulate their emotions when they are feeling sad, angry, or frustrated. Seeing others experience misfortune may make them feel better about their own situation.

Lower self-esteem: people tend to experience schadenfreude more frequently & intensely if fundamentally they feel inadequate or ashamed of parts of themselves.

While schadenfreude may provide temporary relief from negative emotions, it can also lead to feelings of guilt & shame. It can harm relationships & damage one's reputation, as it is seen as a negative & ‘unethical’ emotion. (As if emotions are ever ‘good’ or ‘bad’ - they simply just ‘are’ - it’s how we then behave that counts).

In order to break the cycle of hurt, it is important for individuals who hurt others to seek help & support. This may involve therapy or counselling, support groups, or other forms of treatment. A compassionate yet assertive friend pointing out some home truths has been known to work on me! It is also important for them to work on developing self-awareness, self-compassion, & healthy coping mechanisms. Not being ridiculed or judging others via social media. Metaphorically, if someone comes at you holding an axe, you’re unlikely to take on board their particular predicament. We need to put down our weapons if we want a chance at peace.

It’s important to understand that hurt people hurt others often because they are in pain. By recognising this, we can work to create a more compassionate & supportive society, one in which individuals who have been hurt are given the resources & support that they need to heal. This requires us to be patient, understanding & non-judgmental as we work to help those who are struggling. Who cares if they are left or right leaning - they are human with fears & needs, just like us & are worthy of our respect & being listened to attentively.

The next time I perceive someone as being intolerable, or ignorant, or offensive, or crazy, or stupid, or cruel I will try to remind myself of the simple truth:

hurt people hurt

I will try to see if I can show compassion & tolerance to them (& myself) regardless of what they think & do.

So here’s my promise to you: as I plod along this spinning rock travelling through a universe I do not understand, I will repeatedly make small gestures of kindness to those that I think deserve it least. To encourage us to move away from the misery-go-round of hurt people hurting, towards hurt people healing.

Come join me.